Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time