Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
wtf is a larm clock?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.