birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You Might Also Like
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Welcome
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa