birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there