Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Autocarrot sucks!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
😂🤣😂🤣
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot