Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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why no one uses midhusbands
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Risking my life for fun.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.