Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”