Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
watching gymnastics
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.