Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My fantasy football season is going great

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…