Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
This week’s mood.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.