Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go