Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote