Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
can’t catch a break
My five year plan is a meteorite
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*