Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!