Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Every haunted house movie:

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes