Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.