Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Butt weight. There’s more!

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

You might just have to resign…

You know I’m something of a chef myself

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?