Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.