Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Check your privilege

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi