Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.