Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*