Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

#growingpains

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.