birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”