Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

look at me when i’m typing to you

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

He just like my cat fr