birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
asked my bf how work was today
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Guys, I found it.