Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
FRED: right
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*