Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
They got a point!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
let’s discuss
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach