Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
You Might Also Like
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.