Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*