Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese