Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

😲 WTF? 😆

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Matthew was born for this.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers