Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Good morning

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

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Morningbreath

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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.