birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts