birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma