@clichedout

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

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@PortRooster

Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!

@ItsAndyRyan

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@Mostly_Cheese

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”

@jwoodham

Never look down on anyone. Unless you’re a lion cub named Simba and you’re being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit