birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

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Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!


I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.


My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru


What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”


I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.


*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Ooooh, spooky”
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”


Never look down on anyone. Unless you’re a lion cub named Simba and you’re being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.


911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit