Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Okay

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

This anagram machine is out of order.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?