birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
worst…sale…ever
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for