Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts