Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Arrest that man!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again