Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

And now we wait

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.