Birds & Planes.
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection