Birds & Planes.
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two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times