birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
North and South
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The First Farmer
I will never stop laughing at this
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.