Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.