birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
stop
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.