Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
i will not be silenced
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Who chose this font
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.