Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.