Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Worst perfume name ever.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after