Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.