Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.