• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself