Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
You Might Also Like
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums