Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Meat Cute
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
The Internet wins again..馃憞馃憞馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃憦馃憦
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The 30 mins before I start my kid鈥檚 bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
An escape room but it鈥檚 just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?馃樁
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: I鈥檓 very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.