Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

The smoothest fall of all time

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30