Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.