Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
this is me
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.