Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?