Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

smh

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.