Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.