Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

satan: not today, microsoft teams

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Twitter fine art

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.