Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.