@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

You Might Also Like

@erichwithach

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

@climaxximus

doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok

(later)

me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat

@sirmunchie

For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

@DaveTheAlbino

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@SimpsonsQOTD

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@skickwriter

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.