Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.