Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

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Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”


doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok


me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat


For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?


Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.


me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone



me: almost done?


me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]


“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”


My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.


HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”


I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.