birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!