[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.