[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.