Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.