Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

catch me on valentine’s day like

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you