Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Yes

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*