Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!