Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Oh hi lol

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice