birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.