Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’m about to risk it all
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.