Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Just a bush.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
yikes
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.