Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.