Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My background check bounced.