Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

*power walks to the refrigerator*

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever