Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work