Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky