I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Hello @netflix. I’ve written a script for a scary movie you could make for Halloween. It’s called “Jetpack Dracula”. Let’s make it happen.
Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it