[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i’m laughing very hard in real life
LOL
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?